The Boy with the Golden Heart

I don't know why I'm so infatuated with you. You sure as hell don't deserve my kindness. But, as God forgives me for my sins, I, too, forgive you of your wrong-doings.

I'm still trying to figure out why you make my heart skip a beat every time you're near. You're not the kind of boy I should be into. And lately, you only seem to be "into" me when it is most convenient for you.

There is, however, a side of you that only few ever get the chance to see. I am blessed enough to be on of those few. You're weak, scared, and insecure and I get it-you don't want the world to see that. I know of their cruel ways of punishment. But your heart is a beautiful thing, and I wish people would see it like I do. Better yet, I wish you would let people see it.

I smile every time I think of the side of you I was fortunate enough to encounter. When you love, you love with everything you have and you hold nothing back.

People have wronged you, and I understand that you're hurt. Let God deal with the consequences of others. Hate in your heart, your beautiful, magnificent heart, will consume your life if you're not careful.

Sitting here, thinking of you-I'm starting to see the reasons for my skipping heart...



These walls of yours will come crashing down one day, of that I have no doubt. And I hope I'm blessed enough to be there for you. The real you, not this facade you put up to protect that golden heart of yours. But, if I'm not, please know this: I will always love you. Always.


Love Always,
XOXO
<3
Lindsay

Thoughts during Insomnia

I was writing in my journal tonight, as I tend to do when things get tough, just to clear my head, I suppose. Anyway, (that last sentence is probably COMPLETELY grammatically incorrect, but it's almost 2:30 in the morning, and I honestly don't care.) But I was writing to my journal, pretending it was a person that could actually understand what I was going through, and I wrote something at the end of it that made me giggle a little bit. Before I say what it is, please take these things into consideration:

1. It's almost 2:30 in the morning. lol
2. I'm going through an extremely rough patch in my life right now, so I say things that may sound bad, but I mean no offense to anyone or anything in the things I say. I usually don't meant the things I say when I say things like this, but I felt I should put it out there that I'm really just rambling and I don't necessarily mean every little thing I say.
3. I've gotten maybe 3-5 hours of sleep every night this week, so I'm exhausted and I just say loopy things when I'm exhausted.
4. What I'm gonna say probably isn't that bad, I just feel the need to put this disclaimer so I don't offend anyone. Because offending people was truly not my intention, it was merely me rambling silly things in my journal that I thought other people would find amusing.

Ok, so here it is *epic climatic music inserted here*

"Faith is an amazing thing, ain't it? Trusting that God has everything under control while you run around like a chicken with its head cut off."

dun dun DUUUUN.
Haha I'm just kidding.
But yea. I thought someone would find that amusing. Please, like I said, don't take offense to it. It was really me just rambling in my journal while I'm up super late at night with hardly any sleep.

Hope you all have a blessed weekend,
and enjoy this FABULOUS weather.

In His name,

XOXO
<3
Linds

The War of Wars (part 1)

The tiny light in my upward peripheral seemed only to grow smaller and dimmer with each passing second. These dark walls I swore I would never see started to become more real as they grew stronger and entrapped me in my own fears.

This mask; this facade; this role I play could no longer be contained, and my worst nightmares were becoming my reality as the demons I prayed I would never face were staring directly at me. There is no more time for training and preparation-The War has begun. No turning back; no retreating; no surrender; for once it was time to stand my ground-defend myself-for the years I've spent under attack by an enemy I knew not how to face, let alone defeat.

And even now, as I stand firm in my armor, prepared for battle, how I will defeat this enemy is still a mystery to me, but I know I can wait no longer.

The Logic Behind Love

I stared out the window, watching the leaves try to remain in tact with the branches that gave them life, thinking about you, as I tend to do periodically throughout the day. My mind was racing with the all things you'd ever said to me, frantically trying to analyze every word, every sentence, every action. The sun beat through the window and I could feel its warmth wrap around me like a hug from behind. 

I mean, I could probably go on and on forever about every little thing about you. I love everything you are and everything you're not. I love how you drive me up the wall some days, and some days, I feel like I'm floating on air. I love that simultaneously, I'm so incredibly comfortable around you and so incredibly insecure. Just the mere thought of you gives me butterflies. 

Then a thought shouted out to me: What do you have that any other guy I know doesn't have? 

I mean, really. Let's think about this logically: what is it that sets you apart from the crowd? You have eyes, ears, a nose, a heart, lungs, etc. You feel the same things any other male human would feel and you act pretty much the same as any other male human would in your situation. But what is that you have that makes me so drawn to you?

I could probably, again, go on and on forever to answer this question, but I am going to answer it with one simple word: Chemistry.


Yes, cliche and over-used, I know. But there's no other way to describe it. There's some kind of reaction when we're together, regardless of whatever setting we're in. And it's so intriguing to watch and wait to see what happens, and at the same time, it's so nerve racking. I love that almost every aspect of our relationship is like a roller coaster rush: excitement and fear, all mixed into one intoxicating emotion. 


The point I'm trying to make is that there's no one reason as to why I have feelings for you, or for any other male, for that matter. You can't help where your heart leads you. And you sure as heck can't predict where, either.


All I know is that I love you. I may not be IN love with you (though the possibility is there), but I do love you.




Sometimes there's not a logical reason as to why you love someone; sometimes "because I just do" is logic enough. 
And logic itself is completely overrated anyway, right? Sometimes you just know in your heart when something's right, even if your head is telling you it's wrong.




I'm not sure if this makes ANY sense, but I thought it did.
Food for thought, I suppose, if nothing else.


In His name,
xoxo
<3
Linds

IVs and Romance Novels (kind of)

Good morning, guys. Kind of just sitting here with nothing to do and I have about...an hour and a half 'till class starts, so, as usual, I'm just gonna blab on and on about stuff that's been happening this week. 

1. So, as many of you probably know from my Facebook/Twitter posts, I was admitted into the hospital last Wednesday afternoon. Which made me pretty sad for a couple of reasons:

     a) (I like outlines, for the record. I can organize my thoughts/notes/etc pretty well) I HATE hospitals. It's cold and there are lots of sick, sad people in pain and the food just sucks. So, being admitted is probably one of my least favorite things in the world.

     b) Wednesday was the official start of Puresond, and as an intern, I really really really didn't want to miss it. But obviously, I did. Which broke my heart. 

Normally, when I'm admitted, it's because my diabetes got out of control-which is the case here as well, but it's not the same circumstances as usual. My diabetes DID get out of control, but it's not because I just stopped taking care of myself. 

As a diabetic, I'm am dependent on my insulin injections for means of survival. So, I was running low on insulin. No big deal. I told my mom with a good 3 or 4 days advance, which is plenty of time to call the doctor to get the prescription refiled...yadda yadda. HOWEVER, my doctor refused to send the prescriptions to the pharmacy because I had not seen my Endocrinologist (my diabetes doctor) yet, which we quickly explained that we'd already scheduled an appointment, but it wouldn't be until the middle of September because that was the earliest we could. She still wouldn't send the info to the pharmacy. So, I ran out of insulin. And last Wednesday, I was sitting in class, freaking out because I hadn't had insulin in 24+ hours and I wasn't feeling very well. My friend called her dad, who works at University Hospital. He told me to just go to the ER and they would refill my stuff no problem. 

WELL, on the way to the ER, I got violently sick, and because my body can't self correct, I spiraled out of control, thus the reasoning for being admitted. 3 days later, I finally got to go home (and SHOWER) and rest and all that good stuff. 

The experience made me realize how blessed I am to have some of the people I have in my life. And I thank God every day for those people.

2. I've been talking to some of my guy friends about their...eh..."relationship problems". Let me start off by saying that these guys are absolutely amazing. They're so sweet and caring and they would do anything for anyone and any girl would be lucky to date them. And I'm not just saying that. Anywhoooo, They're talking to these girls and, in my humble opinion, they have feelings for them. Whether they're strong or not is irrelevant, but the feelings are obviously there. Now, in the past, these fabulous boys have had their hearts broken by some pretty mean girls. So, it's not surprising that they'd be hesitant to get into any kind of other relationship. Which I totally understand...to a point. 

I posted earlier this week something that pretty much sums up this whole point I'm trying to make: "Living in fear is not really living at all." 

I totally understand the hesitancy about new relationships if you've been hurt-I've been there. HOWEVER, (again, in my humble opinion) you can't go into every relationship comparing it to the last. It's not going to be the same, regardless of how much you think it will be. You've grown as a person, and your "significant other" is not the same as the last person you dated. If you go into every relationship, expecting it to be just like the last, you're not going to get anywhere you want to be. At all. 

If you guys are reading this: Not every girl is evil. Not every girl wants to break your heart. The past is the past for a reason. If you don't open your heart to other people, you're just going to stay in the same, lonely place. You won't progress into a relationship that God may want you to have. Love is a big risk, I know. But sometimes, it's worth the risk. I love you guys, and I wouldn't be saying this if I didn't care about you. 

So, yea. That's been on my mind. I figured I'd share it with you....for those who care, anyway. 

Hopefully, this helped someone, some way or another.

Have a blessed week, guys!

In His name,

XOXO

<3 

Linds

Logic or Passion?

Logic [noun] 1.the science that investigates the principles governing correct or reliable inference.
2.a particular method of reasoning or argumentation


Passion [noun]- 1.any powerful or compelling emotion or feeling, as love or hate.
2. strong amorous feeling or desire 


So, for some odd reason, while I was sitting in the food court on campus before class, a thought randomly interjected itself into my mind:
"I like Criminal Justice, but the only thing I want to do in life is sing. That's it."


Pretty simple, you might think. But for some odd reason, it's much more complex than that. And I'm going to attempt to tell you why. 


Singing is my passion. Hands down, without a single doubt in my mind. I could sing forever and ever and never get tired of it. I don't care how much I'm getting paid to sing-I just want to make people happy with music. That being said, singing is not a very realistic job, nor does it automatically pay well if I did get a job. But it's the one thing on this earth that I love more than anything (other than God, of course) and I'm good at it (not trying to brag, honestly).


Criminal Justice has always been something I was interested in. I watch crime shows all the freaking time, and I just find it absolutely fascinating. And the job pays well. BUT, it requires a lot of work, almost to the point where I'd be a work-a-holic. And as interesting and rewarding as it might be, I don't ever want my job to take over my life like that. However, even in the first week or so of school, I've really enjoyed my Criminal Justice class.


So, what do I do? Where do I go?
I love Criminal Justice, but my heart is dead set on singing. In fact, I was majoring in C.J. as a fallback in case my music career never took off. 


Confliction is something I know all too well, and I really don't like saying that. And at this very moment in time, I am EXTREMELY conflicted. Do I do the logical thing-the one with financial stability and a "guaranteed" job? Or do I follow my heart's desire, and the gift God handed me, and take that risk, but do what I love every single day?


This is the question of the day. And I really need to make a decision, because sooner or later, I'm going to have to declare a major.


So which do I declare?
Criminal Justice or Music Performance?


HELP!!!




"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord. 'They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.'" Jeremiah 29:11 (NLT)


Please keep me in your prayers, and pray that I choose God's will for my future, and not my own.




Have a blessed week!


In His name,


xoxo
<3
Linds

Tacos, Katy Perry and Lack of Sleep

Honestly, this post isn't going to be about anything in particular. I'm just sitting on campus, about an hour before my class starts, and I'm just really ridiculously bored. Like, it's an unhealthy amount of boredom. So much in fact, that I've listened to 2 whole Copeland albums, watched about 50 YouTube videos, read the newsfeed on both my Twitter and Facebook about 15 times, beat 2 more levels of Angry Birds (Christian, if you read this...HA. Vindicated. lol), reached a new high score on Fruit Ninja, and even took a 10 minute nap...on the table I'm sitting at in the food court....all in the 2 hours I've been here. Yes, I am really just that bored.

And of course, due to the lack of sleep I've received the past 2 nights, I left my history book, and my other forms of entertainment sitting on my desk, because, at 5 o'clock in the morning, all that was on my mind was "I can't wait 'till 12:15 so I can come home and go back to sleep". Ahh. This simplicities of college life. Not to mention I have another paper due tomorrow, the one I've put off all weekend (well, not completely. I have about 2/3 of it done.)...Yea. Again, the simplicities of college life. I also have 2 or 3 more chapters to read for history, which I could've gotten a big chunk out of the way this morning had I not gone to bed 4 hours before waking up...

A couple of things to be positive about:
1) There's a Taco Cabana on campus, and I enjoyed some wonderful breakfast tacos this morning. Unfortunately, the energy I had hoped to receive from these tacos probably won't kick in until I'm at home, fully ready for my nap...typical.
2) For her birthday, my friend got a couple of Katy Perry tickets for September 7 and she has invited me to come along. So, if I can just drag myself through the next week or so, I can fully enjoy a night with a great friend and one of my favorite artists.

Ok, so I lied...there's more than a couple of things:

3) There are lots, and I mean LOTS of ridiculously good looking men in ROTC uniforms on campus today. Gotta love our nation's military ;D
4) I have purchased my pink Rockstar...so, hopefully, I should find the energy to focus in my back-to-back classes today. Here's to hoping, right? haha.


Anywhoooo...I believe I've wasted enough time, that I can probably start heading to class now.
Thanks for listening to my lack of entertainment blog post.

Love y'all!
Have a blessed week!

In His name,

xoxo
<3
Linds

That All-Too-Perfect Moment

So, I was cleaning out some of my stuff today, and came across a journal that I used to write things in when I was a freshman(in high school). I must confess that I was a pretty emo child in those days. lol. But I stumbled upon a writing during the beginning of my senior year, and it's actually QUITE happy, in comparison to all the other emotional, Twilight-like crap I'd written before. And I felt like maybe SOMEONE would like it, sooooo...I'm blogging it. (The beauty of blogs; you can pretty much post anything. lol) Here we go: (keep in mind, this is not copied from anyone else, it's my own original work.)

"The music played softly in the background. I couldn't see anything but my reflection in his eyes. The rest of the world seem to fade away with each passing second. He wrapped his arms more tightly around my waist, pulling me into his chest. My arms (which were much shorter in comparison to his) grabbed a tighter hold around his neck and I lay my head just so that I could drown out the music with the sound of his heartbeat. He lay his chin gently on the top of my head as we suddenly stopped rocking to the, now, non-existant, music. We stood in this embrace for what was only seconds, but what felt like a lifetime. He took his left hand off my waist and lifted my so chin so that I was looking directly at him. My eyes shifted from his left eye, to his right eye and back to his left. Oh, how easily I could get lost in those eyes. He leaned his face only inches from mine; he smiled with those gorgeous eyes of his. He put his forehead on mine and gently pressed his lips to mine and at that moment, it was just the two of us; frozen in an embrace in the middle of the dance floor. As his lips let go of mine, he slowly backed away, just enough to smile at me. He traced my jaw line; moments after tucking a strand of hair behind my right ear. The butterflies multiplied so rapidly in my stomach that I thought that any movement would set them free- fluttering all about the ballroom. And for the first time in my life, time literally stood still and nothing or no one was around. I held my breath as I noticed the wheels turning in his thoughts and I waited. He gleamed his gorgeous smile, looked sheepishly down at the ground and returned to my stare. The butterflies, at this point, were just waiting for the moment to make their great escape. He grabbed both of my hands from his neck, brought me close to him once more and whispered in my ear. 'I love you.' "


Thanks for just reading this, if you did. That alone in itself means more to me than you know (:

Have a blessed week, guys.

In His name,

xoxo
<3
Linds

The Gratification of Servitude

Today is a pretty epic day. And I'm going to inform you as to why it is so epic. 

So, many of you know I've been singing pretty much my whole life. And many of you also know (and if you don't, this here will inform you) that my freshman year, I joined, yet another choir, at my church called Puresound. And for the past 4 years, I have put practically my heart and soul into it because I just love it so much. And, although I was never into "bad" things, Puresound pretty much saved my life. I'd always known who Jesus was up until that point, but I'd never accepted Him or had any kind of relationship with Him. So, like I said, Puresound literally saved my life.

It was a sad day when I walked into the choir room my senior year for the last Puresound rehearsal of the year. I was not ready for it to come to an end, even though I knew I had to move on. 

BUT (on to the epic part) the benefits of graduating is that now I get to be a leader in Puresound. So, I am proud to say that I am one of the 2011-2012 Puresound Interns! YAY!

Nothing super deep or philosophical tonight guys. I just wanted to share my excitement in becoming an intern for something I'm truly passionate about. 

And with that, I leave you with this passage:

"For you have been called to live in freedom, my brothers and sisters. But do not use your freedom to satisfy your sinful nature. Instead, use your freedom to serve one another in love." -Galatians 5:13 (NLT)

Hope you all have a blessed week!

In His name,

xoxo

<3

Linds

Casting Stones

So, it's almost 2am. And I can't sleep because God has put this on my heart and I feel the need to share it with you guys. Kay? Kay, here we go:

I really don't like it, and I dislike it so passionately that I could almost hate it, when someone judges me without getting to know me first. Or when they judge me simply based on my appearance. Let's face it; we all do it. It's only the human in us. I do it. But I really try my best not to. And believe me, it's not easy. But the way I see it, not a single one of us in this world is perfect. Not one. Except Jesus. Jesus was the only man to ever walk the earth without sin. So, if not a single one of us is perfect, what gives us the right to judge others? I mean really? In my humble opinion, God is the only One who has the right to judge anyone-seeing how He created us.

I know how you feel. Trust me. Judging other people is always easier than judging our own character and our own mistakes. During His sermon on the mount, Jesus warns us to not judge.
"Why worry about a speck in your friend's eye when you have a log in your own? How can you think of saying to your friend, 'Let me help get ride of that speck in your eye' when you can't see past the log in your own eye? Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friends eye." (Matthew 7:3-5, NLT)

I think we should all try to live the way Jesus did in John chapter 8 when He meets the woman who was caught in the act of adultery.
Verse 5(NLT) reads: "The law of Moses says to stone her. What do you say?"
In this verse, they (the Pharisees) were trying to trick Jesus into saying something they would later be able to use against Him. But later, in verse 7(NLT): "They kept demanding an answer, so He stood up again and said, 'Alright, but let the one who has never sinned throw the first stone!'" (Just a side note here: by refusing to condemn the woman, Jesus was not saying that adultery was acceptable. Just thought I'd clear that up. lol)

But I really love this passage: who are we to judge others for the things they do if we, ourselves, are not perfect either? Don't be so quick to cast the stone without looking at yourself first. The day that you are without sin is the day you have the right to judge others.


Ok, let's recap here: Basically, what I'm saying, and more importantly, what God is saying, is don't be so quick to judge someone. You don't always know their situations or their life. And even if you do, you're not perfect, either. You have no right to judge what someone else does. I know it's not easy, I'm just as human as you are. But really try your best to get to know someone and not judge them.

Just tryin' to keep it real, guys. hahaha
Have a good weekend!

in His name,

xoxo
<3
Linds

Let's not get ahead of ourselves

Oh, hey.
Haha it's been a pretty long while since I've written anything, and lately, I've had a lot on my heart, so bear (is that even the right term?) with me.

So, today, I was lying on my couch, pretty grumpy because that's what I've been doing most of the time over the summer. I mean, the beginning of the summer was pretty epic, and then things started to slow down, which I hate. Very very much so. And so, in my grumpy state I grabbed my phone (the fabulous iPhone 4, for all the apple kiddos out there <3), got on my Twitter account and began posting how LAME of a summer I was having. And then it struck me: I went on my profile and began reading other posts from the previous week or so, and I've been complaining...a LOT. I looked at my profile and actually said out loud "Man, this kid sounds like a spoiled brat to me." and then felt utterly ashamed when I remembered it was MY profile.  Now who's the spoiled brat? Oh, yea. Me /:

I sat there, completely dumbfounded at my selfishness. There are people who would KILL to trade lives with me and I'm just sitting here, complaining away about every little thing. Needless to say, I felt pretty terrible. And this terrible feeling lingered for the rest of the day. Until later, I was texting a dear friend of mine explaining to her how I wasn't feeling myself and that I felt terrible about my attitude. And then, having no where else to turn, and where I should've gone in the first place, I grabbed my Bible and flipped it to the back to see what the Word had to say about negative attitudes.

It was then that I was guided to Numbers Chapter 13, verse 25 through Chapter 14, verse 38. And I sat here and read the magnificent Word of God, and I felt even worse! I, me, little creature who should keep her mouth shut sometimes, was questioning the many blessings bestowed upon me by God the Creator, the One who created every little thing on the Earth, the One who could take every blessing I'd ever been given and take them all away without breaking a sweat! I mean, how can you NOT feel horrible after that?!

So, I did what any good Christian girl SHOULD do: I prayed. And let me tell you, prayer is one of those things that's so powerful and amazing and so life-changing. It's so hard to describe the utter joy I get in talking to God. It's just an amazing feeling. And my eyes have been opened. I know that, because I am only a mere human, I am going to mess up again and question the blessings God has given me, but I know how to control it better. And hopefully, with this newly found self-control (well, kind of. lol) I won't dare to question God. Ever.

Couple of things:

1. NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER (I don't think I can stress this enough) doubt God. And I know we will sometimes, because we're human. I do now and then. Then I realize what an idiot I am and that I really need to keep my mouth shut.  But try your very very very best not to. God is the Creator of everything. I think He knows what He's doing.

2.  I'm going to try to post something every week. Can't promise this is gonna be a legit thing, but I'm gonna try. Sometimes it'll be twice a week, or not at all or what have you. But, I will try and I will also try to add the Word to it. Kay?

Like I said, bear (if that's the right term) with me here. It's been a while.

Hope you have an amazing and blessed weekend. I know I will (:

xoxo
<3
Linds

To my dear friend,

I've never hurt for someone as much as I hurt for you. I've never been scared for someone as much as I'm scared for you. But the pain of staying was greater than the pain of leaving and I felt like I had no other choice- as much as I care about you, it was time I did something good for myself. Walking away from you, knowing full well the horrors that await you if you stay in this place, was the hardest thing I have ever had to do...I don't know if I made the right decision in leaving, but at least I know I'm stronger from it. I can't change who you are-only God can at this point. And even though our lives will take separate paths from now on, there is a possibility they might cross again. I pray they do. And when they do, I pray we can grow from this. I'll never stop caring about you. There will never be a day when I won't think of you or pray for you. You have so much potential; please don't let it slip away. Let the world see what a heart you have, because it's beautiful in the right setting.


"Change if you want, but don't you go and change for me. I will love you as you are."

God will bless you with what you want from life...you just have to let Him in first.

Love always,
Lindsay

God is greater than the world

So I really don't like my tittle, but I can't think of anything better at this moment. Lately, I feel like I've been battling myself with depression and my obsession with things of this world. But tonight, I realized that there is not a thing in this world that could ever compare to the love that God has for us. I mean, really. There is NOTHING on this planet that is greater than the love He gave and continues to give for us. I've been a Christian for almost 4 years now and I've known my whole life that Jesus loved us, but in the middle of my battles I also realized that I can't go through this life living the way I have been. I'm always too stubborn to admit weakness or defeat, but tonight I let go of everything and handed it fully to God and just in the moments after, I feel this huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I know I've never walked alone in this life, and I've always known (well for the past 4 years anyway) where to turn to. But I can't explain this feeling. It's the best feeling in the world to know that no matter what, God has the PERFECT plan for each and every one of us. I can't say my battles within myself are through, but I feel like I know how to fight them better. There's really no giant story or anything behind this blog, but I just felt like sharing with everyone how AMAZING the love of God is. I mean, really. It's so wonderful. God is truly amazing and if you haven't met Him yet, I encourage you to. It really is a life changing thing and it's something that is never taken from you