I don't know why I'm so infatuated with you. You sure as hell don't deserve my kindness. But, as God forgives me for my sins, I, too, forgive you of your wrong-doings.
I'm still trying to figure out why you make my heart skip a beat every time you're near. You're not the kind of boy I should be into. And lately, you only seem to be "into" me when it is most convenient for you.
There is, however, a side of you that only few ever get the chance to see. I am blessed enough to be on of those few. You're weak, scared, and insecure and I get it-you don't want the world to see that. I know of their cruel ways of punishment. But your heart is a beautiful thing, and I wish people would see it like I do. Better yet, I wish you would let people see it.
I smile every time I think of the side of you I was fortunate enough to encounter. When you love, you love with everything you have and you hold nothing back.
People have wronged you, and I understand that you're hurt. Let God deal with the consequences of others. Hate in your heart, your beautiful, magnificent heart, will consume your life if you're not careful.
Sitting here, thinking of you-I'm starting to see the reasons for my skipping heart...
These walls of yours will come crashing down one day, of that I have no doubt. And I hope I'm blessed enough to be there for you. The real you, not this facade you put up to protect that golden heart of yours. But, if I'm not, please know this: I will always love you. Always.
Love Always,
XOXO
<3
Lindsay
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Friday, October 28, 2011
Thoughts during Insomnia
I was writing in my journal tonight, as I tend to do when things get tough, just to clear my head, I suppose. Anyway, (that last sentence is probably COMPLETELY grammatically incorrect, but it's almost 2:30 in the morning, and I honestly don't care.) But I was writing to my journal, pretending it was a person that could actually understand what I was going through, and I wrote something at the end of it that made me giggle a little bit. Before I say what it is, please take these things into consideration:
1. It's almost 2:30 in the morning. lol
2. I'm going through an extremely rough patch in my life right now, so I say things that may sound bad, but I mean no offense to anyone or anything in the things I say. I usually don't meant the things I say when I say things like this, but I felt I should put it out there that I'm really just rambling and I don't necessarily mean every little thing I say.
3. I've gotten maybe 3-5 hours of sleep every night this week, so I'm exhausted and I just say loopy things when I'm exhausted.
4. What I'm gonna say probably isn't that bad, I just feel the need to put this disclaimer so I don't offend anyone. Because offending people was truly not my intention, it was merely me rambling silly things in my journal that I thought other people would find amusing.
Ok, so here it is *epic climatic music inserted here*
"Faith is an amazing thing, ain't it? Trusting that God has everything under control while you run around like a chicken with its head cut off."
dun dun DUUUUN.
Haha I'm just kidding.
But yea. I thought someone would find that amusing. Please, like I said, don't take offense to it. It was really me just rambling in my journal while I'm up super late at night with hardly any sleep.
Hope you all have a blessed weekend,
and enjoy this FABULOUS weather.
In His name,
XOXO
<3
Linds
1. It's almost 2:30 in the morning. lol
2. I'm going through an extremely rough patch in my life right now, so I say things that may sound bad, but I mean no offense to anyone or anything in the things I say. I usually don't meant the things I say when I say things like this, but I felt I should put it out there that I'm really just rambling and I don't necessarily mean every little thing I say.
3. I've gotten maybe 3-5 hours of sleep every night this week, so I'm exhausted and I just say loopy things when I'm exhausted.
4. What I'm gonna say probably isn't that bad, I just feel the need to put this disclaimer so I don't offend anyone. Because offending people was truly not my intention, it was merely me rambling silly things in my journal that I thought other people would find amusing.
Ok, so here it is *epic climatic music inserted here*
"Faith is an amazing thing, ain't it? Trusting that God has everything under control while you run around like a chicken with its head cut off."
dun dun DUUUUN.
Haha I'm just kidding.
But yea. I thought someone would find that amusing. Please, like I said, don't take offense to it. It was really me just rambling in my journal while I'm up super late at night with hardly any sleep.
Hope you all have a blessed weekend,
and enjoy this FABULOUS weather.
In His name,
XOXO
<3
Linds
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
The War of Wars (part 1)
The tiny light in my upward peripheral seemed only to grow smaller and dimmer with each passing second. These dark walls I swore I would never see started to become more real as they grew stronger and entrapped me in my own fears.
This mask; this facade; this role I play could no longer be contained, and my worst nightmares were becoming my reality as the demons I prayed I would never face were staring directly at me. There is no more time for training and preparation-The War has begun. No turning back; no retreating; no surrender; for once it was time to stand my ground-defend myself-for the years I've spent under attack by an enemy I knew not how to face, let alone defeat.
And even now, as I stand firm in my armor, prepared for battle, how I will defeat this enemy is still a mystery to me, but I know I can wait no longer.
This mask; this facade; this role I play could no longer be contained, and my worst nightmares were becoming my reality as the demons I prayed I would never face were staring directly at me. There is no more time for training and preparation-The War has begun. No turning back; no retreating; no surrender; for once it was time to stand my ground-defend myself-for the years I've spent under attack by an enemy I knew not how to face, let alone defeat.
And even now, as I stand firm in my armor, prepared for battle, how I will defeat this enemy is still a mystery to me, but I know I can wait no longer.
Friday, October 7, 2011
The Logic Behind Love
I stared out the window, watching the leaves try to remain in tact with the branches that gave them life, thinking about you, as I tend to do periodically throughout the day. My mind was racing with the all things you'd ever said to me, frantically trying to analyze every word, every sentence, every action. The sun beat through the window and I could feel its warmth wrap around me like a hug from behind.
I mean, I could probably go on and on forever about every little thing about you. I love everything you are and everything you're not. I love how you drive me up the wall some days, and some days, I feel like I'm floating on air. I love that simultaneously, I'm so incredibly comfortable around you and so incredibly insecure. Just the mere thought of you gives me butterflies.
Then a thought shouted out to me: What do you have that any other guy I know doesn't have?
I mean, really. Let's think about this logically: what is it that sets you apart from the crowd? You have eyes, ears, a nose, a heart, lungs, etc. You feel the same things any other male human would feel and you act pretty much the same as any other male human would in your situation. But what is that you have that makes me so drawn to you?
I could probably, again, go on and on forever to answer this question, but I am going to answer it with one simple word: Chemistry.
Yes, cliche and over-used, I know. But there's no other way to describe it. There's some kind of reaction when we're together, regardless of whatever setting we're in. And it's so intriguing to watch and wait to see what happens, and at the same time, it's so nerve racking. I love that almost every aspect of our relationship is like a roller coaster rush: excitement and fear, all mixed into one intoxicating emotion.
The point I'm trying to make is that there's no one reason as to why I have feelings for you, or for any other male, for that matter. You can't help where your heart leads you. And you sure as heck can't predict where, either.
All I know is that I love you. I may not be IN love with you (though the possibility is there), but I do love you.
Sometimes there's not a logical reason as to why you love someone; sometimes "because I just do" is logic enough.
And logic itself is completely overrated anyway, right? Sometimes you just know in your heart when something's right, even if your head is telling you it's wrong.
I'm not sure if this makes ANY sense, but I thought it did.
Food for thought, I suppose, if nothing else.
In His name,
xoxo
<3
Linds
Yes, cliche and over-used, I know. But there's no other way to describe it. There's some kind of reaction when we're together, regardless of whatever setting we're in. And it's so intriguing to watch and wait to see what happens, and at the same time, it's so nerve racking. I love that almost every aspect of our relationship is like a roller coaster rush: excitement and fear, all mixed into one intoxicating emotion.
The point I'm trying to make is that there's no one reason as to why I have feelings for you, or for any other male, for that matter. You can't help where your heart leads you. And you sure as heck can't predict where, either.
All I know is that I love you. I may not be IN love with you (though the possibility is there), but I do love you.
Sometimes there's not a logical reason as to why you love someone; sometimes "because I just do" is logic enough.
And logic itself is completely overrated anyway, right? Sometimes you just know in your heart when something's right, even if your head is telling you it's wrong.
I'm not sure if this makes ANY sense, but I thought it did.
Food for thought, I suppose, if nothing else.
In His name,
xoxo
<3
Linds
Thursday, September 8, 2011
IVs and Romance Novels (kind of)
Good morning, guys. Kind of just sitting here with nothing to do and I have about...an hour and a half 'till class starts, so, as usual, I'm just gonna blab on and on about stuff that's been happening this week.
1. So, as many of you probably know from my Facebook/Twitter posts, I was admitted into the hospital last Wednesday afternoon. Which made me pretty sad for a couple of reasons:
a) (I like outlines, for the record. I can organize my thoughts/notes/etc pretty well) I HATE hospitals. It's cold and there are lots of sick, sad people in pain and the food just sucks. So, being admitted is probably one of my least favorite things in the world.
b) Wednesday was the official start of Puresond, and as an intern, I really really really didn't want to miss it. But obviously, I did. Which broke my heart.
Normally, when I'm admitted, it's because my diabetes got out of control-which is the case here as well, but it's not the same circumstances as usual. My diabetes DID get out of control, but it's not because I just stopped taking care of myself.
As a diabetic, I'm am dependent on my insulin injections for means of survival. So, I was running low on insulin. No big deal. I told my mom with a good 3 or 4 days advance, which is plenty of time to call the doctor to get the prescription refiled...yadda yadda. HOWEVER, my doctor refused to send the prescriptions to the pharmacy because I had not seen my Endocrinologist (my diabetes doctor) yet, which we quickly explained that we'd already scheduled an appointment, but it wouldn't be until the middle of September because that was the earliest we could. She still wouldn't send the info to the pharmacy. So, I ran out of insulin. And last Wednesday, I was sitting in class, freaking out because I hadn't had insulin in 24+ hours and I wasn't feeling very well. My friend called her dad, who works at University Hospital. He told me to just go to the ER and they would refill my stuff no problem.
WELL, on the way to the ER, I got violently sick, and because my body can't self correct, I spiraled out of control, thus the reasoning for being admitted. 3 days later, I finally got to go home (and SHOWER) and rest and all that good stuff.
The experience made me realize how blessed I am to have some of the people I have in my life. And I thank God every day for those people.
2. I've been talking to some of my guy friends about their...eh..."relationship problems". Let me start off by saying that these guys are absolutely amazing. They're so sweet and caring and they would do anything for anyone and any girl would be lucky to date them. And I'm not just saying that. Anywhoooo, They're talking to these girls and, in my humble opinion, they have feelings for them. Whether they're strong or not is irrelevant, but the feelings are obviously there. Now, in the past, these fabulous boys have had their hearts broken by some pretty mean girls. So, it's not surprising that they'd be hesitant to get into any kind of other relationship. Which I totally understand...to a point.
I posted earlier this week something that pretty much sums up this whole point I'm trying to make: "Living in fear is not really living at all."
I totally understand the hesitancy about new relationships if you've been hurt-I've been there. HOWEVER, (again, in my humble opinion) you can't go into every relationship comparing it to the last. It's not going to be the same, regardless of how much you think it will be. You've grown as a person, and your "significant other" is not the same as the last person you dated. If you go into every relationship, expecting it to be just like the last, you're not going to get anywhere you want to be. At all.
If you guys are reading this: Not every girl is evil. Not every girl wants to break your heart. The past is the past for a reason. If you don't open your heart to other people, you're just going to stay in the same, lonely place. You won't progress into a relationship that God may want you to have. Love is a big risk, I know. But sometimes, it's worth the risk. I love you guys, and I wouldn't be saying this if I didn't care about you.
So, yea. That's been on my mind. I figured I'd share it with you....for those who care, anyway.
Hopefully, this helped someone, some way or another.
Have a blessed week, guys!
In His name,
XOXO
<3
Linds
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Logic or Passion?
Logic [noun] 1.the science that investigates the principles governing correct or reliable inference.
2.a particular method of reasoning or argumentation
Passion [noun]- 1.any powerful or compelling emotion or feeling, as love or hate.
2. strong amorous feeling or desire
So, for some odd reason, while I was sitting in the food court on campus before class, a thought randomly interjected itself into my mind:
"I like Criminal Justice, but the only thing I want to do in life is sing. That's it."
Pretty simple, you might think. But for some odd reason, it's much more complex than that. And I'm going to attempt to tell you why.
Singing is my passion. Hands down, without a single doubt in my mind. I could sing forever and ever and never get tired of it. I don't care how much I'm getting paid to sing-I just want to make people happy with music. That being said, singing is not a very realistic job, nor does it automatically pay well if I did get a job. But it's the one thing on this earth that I love more than anything (other than God, of course) and I'm good at it (not trying to brag, honestly).
Criminal Justice has always been something I was interested in. I watch crime shows all the freaking time, and I just find it absolutely fascinating. And the job pays well. BUT, it requires a lot of work, almost to the point where I'd be a work-a-holic. And as interesting and rewarding as it might be, I don't ever want my job to take over my life like that. However, even in the first week or so of school, I've really enjoyed my Criminal Justice class.
So, what do I do? Where do I go?
I love Criminal Justice, but my heart is dead set on singing. In fact, I was majoring in C.J. as a fallback in case my music career never took off.
Confliction is something I know all too well, and I really don't like saying that. And at this very moment in time, I am EXTREMELY conflicted. Do I do the logical thing-the one with financial stability and a "guaranteed" job? Or do I follow my heart's desire, and the gift God handed me, and take that risk, but do what I love every single day?
This is the question of the day. And I really need to make a decision, because sooner or later, I'm going to have to declare a major.
So which do I declare?
Criminal Justice or Music Performance?
HELP!!!
"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord. 'They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.'" Jeremiah 29:11 (NLT)
Please keep me in your prayers, and pray that I choose God's will for my future, and not my own.
Have a blessed week!
In His name,
xoxo
<3
Linds
2.a particular method of reasoning or argumentation
Passion [noun]- 1.any powerful or compelling emotion or feeling, as love or hate.
2. strong amorous feeling or desire
So, for some odd reason, while I was sitting in the food court on campus before class, a thought randomly interjected itself into my mind:
"I like Criminal Justice, but the only thing I want to do in life is sing. That's it."
Pretty simple, you might think. But for some odd reason, it's much more complex than that. And I'm going to attempt to tell you why.
Singing is my passion. Hands down, without a single doubt in my mind. I could sing forever and ever and never get tired of it. I don't care how much I'm getting paid to sing-I just want to make people happy with music. That being said, singing is not a very realistic job, nor does it automatically pay well if I did get a job. But it's the one thing on this earth that I love more than anything (other than God, of course) and I'm good at it (not trying to brag, honestly).
Criminal Justice has always been something I was interested in. I watch crime shows all the freaking time, and I just find it absolutely fascinating. And the job pays well. BUT, it requires a lot of work, almost to the point where I'd be a work-a-holic. And as interesting and rewarding as it might be, I don't ever want my job to take over my life like that. However, even in the first week or so of school, I've really enjoyed my Criminal Justice class.
So, what do I do? Where do I go?
I love Criminal Justice, but my heart is dead set on singing. In fact, I was majoring in C.J. as a fallback in case my music career never took off.
Confliction is something I know all too well, and I really don't like saying that. And at this very moment in time, I am EXTREMELY conflicted. Do I do the logical thing-the one with financial stability and a "guaranteed" job? Or do I follow my heart's desire, and the gift God handed me, and take that risk, but do what I love every single day?
This is the question of the day. And I really need to make a decision, because sooner or later, I'm going to have to declare a major.
So which do I declare?
Criminal Justice or Music Performance?
HELP!!!
"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord. 'They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.'" Jeremiah 29:11 (NLT)
Please keep me in your prayers, and pray that I choose God's will for my future, and not my own.
Have a blessed week!
In His name,
xoxo
<3
Linds
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Tacos, Katy Perry and Lack of Sleep
Honestly, this post isn't going to be about anything in particular. I'm just sitting on campus, about an hour before my class starts, and I'm just really ridiculously bored. Like, it's an unhealthy amount of boredom. So much in fact, that I've listened to 2 whole Copeland albums, watched about 50 YouTube videos, read the newsfeed on both my Twitter and Facebook about 15 times, beat 2 more levels of Angry Birds (Christian, if you read this...HA. Vindicated. lol), reached a new high score on Fruit Ninja, and even took a 10 minute nap...on the table I'm sitting at in the food court....all in the 2 hours I've been here. Yes, I am really just that bored.
And of course, due to the lack of sleep I've received the past 2 nights, I left my history book, and my other forms of entertainment sitting on my desk, because, at 5 o'clock in the morning, all that was on my mind was "I can't wait 'till 12:15 so I can come home and go back to sleep". Ahh. This simplicities of college life. Not to mention I have another paper due tomorrow, the one I've put off all weekend (well, not completely. I have about 2/3 of it done.)...Yea. Again, the simplicities of college life. I also have 2 or 3 more chapters to read for history, which I could've gotten a big chunk out of the way this morning had I not gone to bed 4 hours before waking up...
A couple of things to be positive about:
1) There's a Taco Cabana on campus, and I enjoyed some wonderful breakfast tacos this morning. Unfortunately, the energy I had hoped to receive from these tacos probably won't kick in until I'm at home, fully ready for my nap...typical.
2) For her birthday, my friend got a couple of Katy Perry tickets for September 7 and she has invited me to come along. So, if I can just drag myself through the next week or so, I can fully enjoy a night with a great friend and one of my favorite artists.
Ok, so I lied...there's more than a couple of things:
3) There are lots, and I mean LOTS of ridiculously good looking men in ROTC uniforms on campus today. Gotta love our nation's military ;D
4) I have purchased my pink Rockstar...so, hopefully, I should find the energy to focus in my back-to-back classes today. Here's to hoping, right? haha.
Anywhoooo...I believe I've wasted enough time, that I can probably start heading to class now.
Thanks for listening to my lack of entertainment blog post.
Love y'all!
Have a blessed week!
In His name,
xoxo
<3
Linds
And of course, due to the lack of sleep I've received the past 2 nights, I left my history book, and my other forms of entertainment sitting on my desk, because, at 5 o'clock in the morning, all that was on my mind was "I can't wait 'till 12:15 so I can come home and go back to sleep". Ahh. This simplicities of college life. Not to mention I have another paper due tomorrow, the one I've put off all weekend (well, not completely. I have about 2/3 of it done.)...Yea. Again, the simplicities of college life. I also have 2 or 3 more chapters to read for history, which I could've gotten a big chunk out of the way this morning had I not gone to bed 4 hours before waking up...
A couple of things to be positive about:
1) There's a Taco Cabana on campus, and I enjoyed some wonderful breakfast tacos this morning. Unfortunately, the energy I had hoped to receive from these tacos probably won't kick in until I'm at home, fully ready for my nap...typical.
2) For her birthday, my friend got a couple of Katy Perry tickets for September 7 and she has invited me to come along. So, if I can just drag myself through the next week or so, I can fully enjoy a night with a great friend and one of my favorite artists.
Ok, so I lied...there's more than a couple of things:
3) There are lots, and I mean LOTS of ridiculously good looking men in ROTC uniforms on campus today. Gotta love our nation's military ;D
4) I have purchased my pink Rockstar...so, hopefully, I should find the energy to focus in my back-to-back classes today. Here's to hoping, right? haha.
Anywhoooo...I believe I've wasted enough time, that I can probably start heading to class now.
Thanks for listening to my lack of entertainment blog post.
Love y'all!
Have a blessed week!
In His name,
xoxo
<3
Linds
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